Wednesday, October 20, 2010

A brilliant piece of work from the greatest page in the universe, by Maddox.

Nobody cares if your puns were intended.
People who point out their puns are like comedians who explain their jokes: they both think you're too stupid to get it. The only good thing about the phrase "pun intended" is that it saves you time when you want to say "hello, I'm going to be at the bag convention this weekend, please be sure to stop by and say 'hi.' I'll be at the douche exhibit." Here's the deal: when you point out your puns, you're making a value judgement on me, the reader. You're saying:
Hey reader, you see that play on words I just made? Yeah, well that wasn't an accident. In fact, I thought it was so clever that I didn't think your simple mind would be able to comprehend the brilliance of my play on words, and I wanted to make sure you know that I'm not only smart enough to use homonyms, but that I'm smart enough to point them out.
The sheer level of narcissism it takes to think that anyone gives a shit about whether or not you meant to write your pun is mind boggling. If narcissism were measured in units of mass, the skulls of people who pointed out puns would crush in on themselves in a giant black hole of stupidity.
The other variation of calling attention to a pun is the pun denial, or "no pun intended," which is a less formal way of saying:

Dear Reader,
Please direct your attention towards my pun. Admittedly I do think it's clever, but I think that you think so highly of me, that I want you to know that I would never resort to using such a commonplace literary device in my prose. Therefore, I would like to formally renounce my attempt at humor and assure you that I am above making puns as a writer, as a pupil of language, and as citizen of Earth.
Sincerest apologies,
D. Baggerson
The phrase "no pun intended" makes me want to band saw my dick off just in case I'm the last man alive and I have to risk repopulating Earth with some moron's incapable vagina.There's no such thing as an unintentional pun; the act of typing the phrase "no pun intended" makes it intentional. If your pun truly wasn't intended, then why didn't you erase it and write something else, asshole?

I read an exchange the other day between some loser flirting with some lonely single mom on a message board for lonely single losers (not to preclude one from the other, no reason you can't be both). The guy's avatar said "IRISH 4 LIFE," and his profile stated that he's a "Dave Matthews Band" fan, so already his face is high on my list of places I would like to rest my feet (Dave Matthews fans are like the trans-fats of fandom: oversaturated with obnoxiousness, found everywhere, and impossible to get rid of; for example, they only refer to the band as DMB... you can't abbreviate the word 'band' assholes, it's a band by virtue of the fact that there is more than 1 person in it, and for the record, adding the word 'band' to your name doesn't make you any less of an egotistical shit head). Man, you know what I hate? Dave Matthews.

It's the whitest band ever, which is saying something considering 3 of the members are black, and Dave Matthews is literally an African American (born in South Africa). His music can be heard in Whole Foods stores, Live Earth concerts, or blasting from the speakers of open-topped Jeeps parked on curbs everywhere. The typical fan is either some dude wearing khaki cargo shorts replete with dangling rock climbing hooks, even though he doesn't hike because he can't afford to drive his gas-guzzling Jeep, or some chick with huge boobs, buck teeth, and an ankle-length floral skirt that she twirls around like an idiot because she thinks her awesome boobs give her enough social capital to make up for the buck teeth and hairy toes (they don't):

So anyway, I signed up for an account so I could send this guy hate mail for being a "DMB" fan since that was enough, but what I read next made me so mad that I headbutt myself in the face.
He was trying so hard to impress this chick, that he made a pun and followed it with "(and yes, pun intended!!)" So not only did he point out his pun, but he took it a step further and answered an imaginary rhetorical question that nobody was asking. Here's how the conversation played out in his head:

IRISH4LIFE: "Fighting global warming is cool." Hmm, I wonder if people will get the subtle association between the word "cool" and the concept of "global warming," since global warming has to do with heat, and the word cool has to do with cultural attitudes and perceptions as well as how chill something is. Holy shit, another pun! I'm on fire! HOLY SHIT! Three puns in a row?! I'm so getting laid. But what if she reads it and doesn't get it? I can picture her in my head:
Lonely mom: "Wait! Did you intentionally--"
IRISH4LIFE: I'd better cut her off mid-sentence while she's thinking by adding the parenthetical: "(yes! yes, that was intentional)." You've still got it, Irish.
Ho ho ho! Laugh it up, dickwad. People who point out their puns should be put to sleep (gassed).
None of the 1,935,224 uses of the word "pun" on this page were unintentional.

© 2008 by Maddox

Monday, October 18, 2010

Thoughts on thoughts

    • What the hell is with teenage girls! It's like if a guy holds a door for you A FRICKEN DOOR! They immadiately think "OMG he likes me!" They then repeat a mantra of this while  smiling to themselves throught the day. The next day is where the real fun starts. The next day the girl begins to stalk her victim pin-pointing his wherabouts throught the day and studying their habits. Soon the dude begins to feel uncomfortable. The Female is soon with the cold hard fact that this guy doesn't like her and falls into a pit of despair vowing a life of lonliness and contemplating becoming a nun. After a day of brooding, the female returns to her habitat waiting for her next unsuspecting victem.
    • My theory on Sesame Street: Sesame street is really a gang (the street looks like a ghetto and you never see anyone else but the characters), Elmo is a Blood. Cookie Monster is a Crypt(his cookies are filled with Marijuanna). Oscar is really a homless person that deals drugs. Big Bird is a Mob Boss Snufflupagus(name says it all). And Gordon and all the real people are just stoned and all the puppets aren't really there.
    • The Zoloft commercial( You know the one with the little round dude and the ladybug): We have all seen this commercial 10 MILLON TIMES! This stupid little round dude is all sad(probably because it is the only one of it's kind and it doesn't know what the HELL it is!)Are you trying to tell me that the reason why people are commiting suicide, getting fat eating tubs of rocky road, becoming anorexic and depressed because there are more round thingies are in nerve B than A?!I mean C'mon! In the words of Chris Rock "Whatever happened to CRAZY"? The side effects that people taking ZOLOFT experience most include nausea, difficulty sleeping, drowsiness, anxiety, nervousness, weakness, loss of appetite, tremors, dry mouth, sweating, decreased sex drive, impotence, and/or yawning...Aren't these parts of depression? At least a depressed  person doesn't experience TREMORS! Then at the end of the commercial the little round dude is bouncing happily following the ladybug, and the sun is shining and everyone sings the happy song, ect. "Mr. Ladybug, will you be my friend? We'll be the bestest friends! and sing songs and dance and shop at the GAP, and.." Ladybug yells "F#$% OFF!" "Wait for meee! We haven't talked about our feelings!" In my own opinion, Anti-depressants are drugs and the result of the medication  is just getting high. That's right, doctors are getting you stoned so you will SHUT THE HELL UP!....Time for my medication.....

Sunday, October 17, 2010

You might be a redneck if...

You Must Be A Redneck If
* You recycle your own toilet paper

* Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad

* You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

* You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."

* Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."

* The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.

* Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.

* You hunt from your bedroom window.

* Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

* You refrigerate your food stamps.

* You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.

* You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.

* Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.

* You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.

* You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.

* You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.

* You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!

* The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"

* You take a beer to a job interview.

* You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.

* When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.

* You go to Goodwill to meet women.

* You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food! 

Friday, October 15, 2010

Inaugural Insanity

So this is where it is all going to go down. This is a page where I will post anything I see fit. It would be a cool article about fast cars, or a random rant about something completely arbitrary. All I know is that its going to be good.