Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Awesome Craigslist posts

Let us frolic in my totally dope blanket fort

Date: 2007-03-09, 10:31AM CST

Yes, I know what you're saying, 'dude, that blanket fort sucks.' That would not be the first time I've heard such short-sighted criticism. Its structural integrity is dubious at best and there isn't a whole lot of headroom. But c'mon, it's not like I'm a freakin' architect or anything. Besides, this little baby is just a prototype. I have vast resources of cushions for anchoring and blankets in order to maximize square footage. My living room is just waiting to be turned into a totally sweet labyrinth of love. 

I am very open to suggestions in respect to design and construction, as I'd like this fort to be a shared vision. Much like the Taj Mahal, its intended that this little beauty will be inspired by a very special lady. Once our shelter is erected, we can move in and work on some of our higher order needs. Or we could just order a pizza and tell ghost stories. Please email me with a picture if you want to be invited to this living room party. It will be sweet. 

PS: I'm allowed to have sleepovers.


Space Ship for Sale $3500.00 or best offer

Date: 2008-02-18, 3:09PM MST

This space ship is in excellent condition! Only 300 million Intergalactic miles, 4 passenger, no meteor dents, possibly needs reactor seals and recharged flux capacitor, 1 owner. Still have the original owners manual. Does have a wobble issue at Mach 12 but clears once it hits 15 not sure what that is but I lose the GPS screen for about a minute or so. Complete with bubble glass windows! Never crashed! For sale $3500 OBO. Clear title in hand, cash sale only, no trades and I won't take payments. Once it leaves the earth, I know you are not coming back so why would I??? DUH! It needs some TLC like an alignment and new landing sensors. Stored in a secure warehouse in Phx. Must sell City of Phx pressuring me, they say it's an eye sore?? It's on my front lawn and it's burnt the grass last year when it was running, I have the re entry burners turned up to kill the termites and scorpions when landing. 

And my favorite:

Rant: Person with a wooden leg that lives above me.

Date: 2008-04-22, 8:58PM CDT

I have no idea who you are. I do not know if you're male, female, young, old, black, white, straight, gay, ambidextrous, or a midget. What I do know is this: You are almost certainly obese and have at least one wooden leg. 

It is likely that I am completely off in my speculation, but at least hear me out. I do have some evidence that would warrant such claims. 

First of all, if you aren't a manatee with at least one wooden appendage, I must assume then, that you do indeed have your feet blocked in cement. At the very least, you have a horrible case of elephantitis of the lower body causing your feet to stomp and drag and cause a great amount of disturbance. Now I've lived in apartments before, some being quite rowdy seeing as I did attend college for five years. Despite this, you my heavy hooved friend, are one of a kind. 

At first I thought it might be sex. You know, the old headboard pounding the wall. I would be impressed if that were the case, but I doubt that. The noise moves when you move, so it can't be the headboard. If it were, then I would REALLY be impressed. Hell, you even knocked the light fixture off of the ceiling in my foyer after some intense peg-leg floor pounding. I was picking glass out of my feet for a few weeks after that! Not bad for what could potentially be some afternoon delight. 

The reason I don't believe you are getting laid is because the noise occurs quite literally at ALL hours of the day. 4AM? You bet. 4PM? Sure shit. 1AM? Of course. 2:47PM? Why not? If I were able to link the noise to a certain time pattern or a certain location, I could be more certain it might be sex, say on a bed with wheels that moves freely about your place with each thrust. (As I type this now, you're making some pretty loud bumps and booms). Maybe you are just a really aggressive masturbator? Lastly, I haven't seen a single couple enter this building to confirm that fact that someone might be getting laid. 

I've tried to describe the noise you create to many people saying 'It quite literally sounds like an overweight pirate with one peg leg pacing back and forth' only to get strange looks in return, as you can imagine. Skeptical as they may be, their hesitations in believing my claims were put to rest as soon as they visited my apartment. One by one my friends, as well as some family, visited my place all to confirm the noises I reported were indeed, real. 

Each of them spent a few minutes speculating about what the noise could potentially be. Honestly, the only thing we have all deduced is that you aren't having sex. This is undoubtedly, an unfortunate conclusion on your part. 

Perhaps you are trying to teach yourself how to walk with stilts and you are trying to master the art one leg at a time before attempting both stilts at once. Maybe you're practicing for the Olympics in Chicago in 2016 and have set up some uneven bars and are trying desperately to stick the landing. Whatever you're doing, could you please ease up? I do not enjoy replacing all of my picture frames that have either fallen off my walls or from my shelves. Nor do I enjoy being awaken at all hours of the night only to have to wonder what it is you're really doing up there, whether they be innocent or slightly sexually deviant. My alarm goes off before 6AM due to having one of those job things so a good nights sleep is important. Thanks in advance and if you really are an obese pirate, please don't break into my apartment and steal my booty or my food. 

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